Tuesday, September 29, 2009


It is officially autumn. Actually, it has been for a couple of days. But metaphorically speaking, it continues to be the autumn of my life. I need a rake to keep all of my emotional leaves in check.

This weekend I went through the lugubrious task of giving away nearly all of the girls' baby clothes to sweet Jamie, who is expecting her own bundle of girl in January. (I am so excited! I haven't held a baby in years, it seems; although, I did hold a student's baby last year...) But I also turned over the Medela pump, the Cadillac of breast pumps that cost me about 300 bucks. It was well worth the cost for I was able to out-milk most of the cows at Happy Tails Farm in nearby Longswamp Township. Sheesh, each day I could've made a gallon of ice cream, a few pints of sour cream, and a few balls of mozzarella with the amount I could pump out. It was, indeed, downright scary and unbelievable.

So the Medela was worth the investment. But letting it go, along with all of the gorgeous dresses and adorable footed pajamas, confirmed to me that my days of motherhood are now limited to child-rearing. There is a part of me that wanted another child, the little boy that I sought but never had. Jackson. Jack, for short. And this was long before Jack became a popular name five years ago. Heck, I've been holding on to that name for at least 15 years, back when I went through this Jackson Pollock phase. (I read an incredible autobiography, long before the film.) And the name stuck.

So I secretly longed to have this little boy. And this weekend I realized he will never be. That saddened me, almost as if I was grieving a loss for a child I will not bear. So I had Keni hold up some of her baby clothes, took some pictures for our memory box, and I moved on. We packed up everything, took it to Jamie, and I silently bid it farewell as it will now comfort another babe, another mom, another family.

As for my Jack, he'll never be. But I will always have my Eddie, who I spoiled dearly. I took him, my young four-legged son, to the dog spa on Monday. I got him the full treatment. He is my babe, and that's about as good as it'll get.

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