Friday, October 23, 2009


Having the flu is no fun, but it does provide ample time to ponder about the great mysteries of life.

Such as: Why are all the foods I crave typically bad for me? How can the lovely peanut wreak such havoc and misery for some people? When will I come up with the perfect idea for a video that will win America's Funniest Videos?

I thought I devised the idea today for the video. Thanks to fevers that range from 100.5 to 103, I'd been deliriously lying in bed for three days and next to me the entire time was my loyal man. Eddie. All 7 pounds of hunk and charm. Intelligence and suaveness all wrapped up in a mat of gray hair and triangular ears. At some point I made this hand dog puppet and made a little bark. Truthfully, Eddie's seen me do this before. It entertains him. (So, I have issues. Maybe.) Well, Eddie must've been as bored as well, so he decides to play along. And so, he barks back. Well, Hand Dog responds back, but we go a little farther than usual. He turns his "head," snaps his "mouth," lets out a yelp, tries to nip Eddie. And Eddie? He goes nuts. He starts growling, charging, back and forth across the bed. He's pissed.

Well, since I've been sick, I've kept a tube of crackers at my bedside. And so being the good dog owner that I am, I offered a saltine to Hand Dog, all while Eddie watches, his curiosity obviously piqued. Hand Dog took the cracker in his "mouth." The reaction. Pure Yorkie insanity. Up and down, off the bed. Circles around the room. Back on the bed, attempting to bite Hand Dog and snatch away his treat. This went on until I couldn't laugh any longer, the tears streaming down my eyes. Conservatively, 15 minutes. I'm lucky I didn't wet the sheets. I mean, I have been drinking water continuously for days now, so...

Of course, there were weightier matters that pressed upon my mind, but it was Hand Dog-brain candy such as this that cut through the monotony of being forced into a world of wearing a mask and avoiding my family. Having the flu makes you realize that you do really need people to be happy. It makes you realize that being alone isn't that far away from being lonely. Eddie and Hand Dog can substitute for a while, but they are only just that -- substitutions.

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