Monday, January 21, 2013

Soul patch-less

Thank goodness--he decided to finally leave the '90s and shave off his make-believe beard. As partners, we try to be supportive of those in our lives--even if it means holding back what you really know to be true. 

"I don't need to donate my Oxford shirts. They're still in."

"Jean shorts are fine for yard work."

"Yeah, earrings on straight guys are cool."

"Sure, this soul patch make me a hipster--even if I'm AARP qualified."

Honestly, the soul patch needs to be filed away with the red and black flannel shirts, the worn-out ball cap, the gold necklace, with Russell sweat pants. And so when the razor returned him to the right decade, I silently cheered. I had already shared this excerpt that I shamelessly stole from someone's blog to prove my case:

"A soul patch is that ugly tuft of hair that grows above your chin and under your lip. Legend has it that the soul patch covers (or patches) the hole from which your soul was extracted, which is why most people with soul patches are soulless bastards.


99% of all soul patchers are douchebags, not because of the soul patch, but because douchebags, by design, have incredibly powerful urges to grow that little bastardy tuft of hair right under their lip. So if you have one, be careful, because some people might be under the assumption you’re a douchebag even if you’re not.
The soul patch is evil manifesting itself into facial hair!
The only people who should have soul patches are talent agents, baseball pitchers,  grungy musicians, and those who are active in the art of douchebaggery.
Like the Hitler mustache is associated with Hitler, the soul patch is synonymous with being a douchebag. I can’t stress this enough.
Patches are for elbows, knees, and flat tires, not your face.


A soul patch in conjunction with any other type of beard or thick stubble is acceptable and is NOT a sign of being a douche. It’s not even a real soul patch.
If you’re covering up a scar, mole, or other facial deformity, like a baby toe growing out from under your lip. It happens, it really does.
The exceptions are few and far between, so shave the soul patch before the soul patch engulfs your heart, mind, chin, and of course, soul."

Honestly, soul patches are for boys trying to look like men, or for men who aren't confident enough in their stand-alone face. And he is neither. 

And thank goodness I shared it, for life is too short to be a douche.

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